The Cost of Niceness: When Being Liked Undermines Leadership

In many academic libraries and workplaces, “niceness” is a celebrated trait. We want to be approachable, collaborative, and supportive of colleagues. But there’s a shadow side to this cultural value: when the desire to be liked outweighs the need to lead effectively. In toxic dynamics, niceness can mask conflict, stifle honest communication, and leave teams without the guidance they need.

Niceness vs. Leadership

Niceness often shows up as avoiding hard conversations, sugarcoating feedback, or saying yes when the right answer is no. These behaviors come from a good place — a wish to maintain harmony. Yet, when leaders prioritize being liked over doing what’s necessary, they unintentionally create confusion, resentment, and inaction. Leadership requires clarity, accountability, and sometimes uncomfortable decisions. Niceness without boundaries risks undermining all three.

The Hidden Costs

1. Eroded Trust – When staff sense that leaders are not being forthright, trust weakens. People would rather hear difficult truths than be placated.

2. Unclear Expectations – Avoiding direct feedback means employees don’t know where they stand or how to improve.

3. Increased Burnout – Niceness can lead to leaders overextending themselves, saying yes to every request, and modeling unsustainable work patterns.

4. Toxic Avoidance – Problems fester when no one addresses them directly. This avoidance reinforces toxic dynamics rather than resolving them.

Finding the Balance

Being kind and being clear are not opposites. In fact, the strongest leaders practice what Kim Scott calls radical candor — caring personally while challenging directly. This approach allows leaders to remain approachable and supportive while also delivering honest feedback and making tough calls.

Practical steps include:

• Reframe feedback as care – Remind staff that direct feedback is a way of supporting their growth.

• Model boundaries – Show that it’s possible to be empathetic while saying no when necessary.

• Foster open dialogue – Encourage conversations where employees feel safe raising concerns without fear of “breaking the nice.”

• Check for equity – Ensure that being “nice” isn’t code for avoiding accountability with those in positions of privilege, while holding others to higher standards.

Leading Beyond Niceness

Niceness can smooth day-to-day interactions, but leadership requires more. By stepping into clarity, candor, and accountability, library leaders can prevent the pitfalls of performative harmony. The true mark of inclusive leadership is not in being universally liked, but in cultivating trust, fairness, and shared purpose.