Surviving Holiday Parties in Toxic Library Workplaces

For many professionals, holiday parties are an opportunity to celebrate the season, connect with colleagues, and reflect on the year. But in some workplaces—especially those with toxic dynamics—these gatherings can feel more like a chore than a celebration. This is particularly true in environments where the workplace culture leans heavily on the narrative of being a “family.”

While the idea of a workplace “family” might seem comforting, it can often blur the lines between personal and professional boundaries. For some, it evokes warmth and camaraderie, but for others, it can trigger uncomfortable memories or feelings of exclusion, especially when toxic dynamics are at play.

This post explores how to navigate the challenges of holiday parties in such environments, told through the story of Maria, a library professional grappling with her institution’s insistence on calling their staff a “family.” Maria’s experience highlights practical strategies for attending these events while maintaining your boundaries and well-being.

Holiday Parties and the “We’re a Family” Trap

Maria stared at the email invitation to the library’s annual holiday party and sighed. The cheerful subject line—“Celebrate the Season with Your Library Family!”—made her stomach twist. She knew it was supposed to feel welcoming, but for Maria, it hit too close to home.

The truth was, her workplace’s constant talk of being a “family” reminded her too much of her actual family—and not in a good way. Growing up, her family’s holiday gatherings were filled with tension, unspoken grievances, and forced cheerfulness. Now, her library’s toxic work environment felt eerily similar, right down to the cliques and awkward silences.

Still, skipping the party wasn’t an easy choice. In a workplace that thrived on appearances, not showing up could make her even more of a target for gossip. But attending also came with its challenges. Maria decided she needed a plan to navigate the party—and the “we’re a family” culture—without losing herself in the process.

The “Family” Fallacy

One of the reasons Maria dreaded the party was the way her library leadership framed everything through the lens of “family.” The term was tossed around constantly: “We’re all in this together, like family.” “Our library family supports one another.” For Maria, it felt more like a way to gloss over real issues, like underappreciation, unfair workloads, and unchecked toxic behavior.

Much like her actual family, the library’s version of “family” seemed to mean ignoring problems to maintain a facade of harmony. Holiday parties, with their forced camaraderie, became a stage for that charade.

Making a Plan

Maria decided to attend the party but set some boundaries for herself. She didn’t want to feel trapped in a situation where she was expected to fake enthusiasm or endure awkward interactions with colleagues who rarely treated her well during the workday.

Her first boundary was time: she’d stay for exactly one hour. Long enough to say hello, make a couple of polite conversations, and show her face—short enough to avoid getting drawn into anything uncomfortable.

Her second boundary was emotional. Maria reminded herself that while her workplace might claim to be a “family,” it wasn’t one she had to embrace unconditionally. She could keep things professional and still protect her mental health.

Finding Small Wins

At the party, Maria stuck to her plan. She arrived on time, made her rounds, and stayed in safe conversational territory. When a colleague made a passive-aggressive comment about workloads, she deflected: “This time of year is always busy. Are you doing anything fun over the holidays?”

When the conversation turned to the “family” vibe of the workplace, Maria smiled and nodded but didn’t engage. Instead, she sought out Jordan, a new staff member who seemed as uncomfortable as she was. They struck up a casual conversation about holiday desserts, and for a brief moment, the party didn’t feel so bad.

Leaving Guilt-Free

True to her plan, Maria left after an hour. As she walked out, Karen—the self-appointed party enforcer—called after her, “Already leaving? You’re part of the family, you know!”

Maria smiled politely. “It’s been great, but I’ve got an early morning. Enjoy the rest of the night!”

In the car, Maria exhaled. She hadn’t “bonded” with her library family, but she hadn’t let the party—or the culture—get under her skin.

Takeaways for Navigating the “Family” Narrative at Work

Maria’s experience offers some practical lessons for those dealing with workplaces that blur the lines between professional and personal relationships:

• Recognize the difference between workplace and family: Workplaces that call themselves a “family” often use the term to encourage loyalty while overlooking structural issues. You’re not obligated to buy into the narrative.
• Set boundaries: Time limits, emotional limits, and conversational limits can help you navigate events without feeling overwhelmed.
• Seek meaningful interactions: Focus on connecting with individuals who make you feel comfortable, rather than trying to fit into the larger group dynamic.
• Leave on your terms: You’re not required to stay longer than you’re comfortable. A polite exit is perfectly professional.

Holiday parties don’t have to feel like emotional minefields. With the right approach, you can participate just enough to maintain professional relationships while protecting your well-being.

Have you navigated similar challenges? Share your strategies in the comments—we’re all in this together (just not in a “family” way). Pleae share them in the comments.