The Defensive Leader: Why Openness to Feedback Is a Leadership Superpower

We all make mistakes. If we have even a modicum of self-awareness, we acknowledge those mistakes and, ideally, learn from them. But there are times when we don't recognize or acknowledge the errors, and so real learning never has a chance to take root. And sometimes, we find ourselves working within genuinely challenging environments where the mistakes aren't even our fault. It is precisely in those moments when self-awareness becomes most critical.

When someone calls you on a mistake, the right response is not defensiveness. It is to listen, acknowledge, reflect, learn, and then respond. That sequence matters. Notice that "respond" comes last, not first.

Defensiveness is understandable. It is a deeply human reaction, rooted in our instinct to protect our sense of competence and identity. But in anyone who influences others, whether by title, tenure, expertise, or simply the force of their presence in a room, defensiveness is also deeply corrosive. When the people around you see that raising a concern or offering a critique will be met with deflection, justification, or counterattack, they stop raising concerns. They stop offering critiques. And the person now insulated from honest feedback becomes less effective over time, often without realizing it. You don't need a title for that dynamic to play out. You just need to be someone others are watching, and in most organizations, that is nearly everyone.

Feedback Is a Gift, Even When It Doesn't Feel Like One

At my organization, we distributed copies of Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen's Thanks for the Feedback to all staff. The decision was intentional: there is an art to both giving and receiving feedback, and we want everyone in our community to be thoughtful and deliberate about how they do both. The book's central insight is that receiving feedback well is a learnable skill, and one that pays compounding dividends throughout a career.

That framing is worth sitting with. Receiving feedback well is a skill. It is not a personality trait you either have or lack. It is something you can develop, practice, and improve. And, like most skills, it requires awareness, effort, and a willingness to be uncomfortable in the short term for the sake of long-term growth. That is as true for the newest member of a team as it is for the most senior person in the room.

What I Look For in Candidates

I will share a pro tip for anyone who might one day apply to work with me. My favorite interview question is this: "Tell me about some feedback you've received about your job performance that has resulted in a change in the way you work."

I love this question because it does several things at once. It invites genuine self-reflection. It asks candidates to demonstrate not just that they received feedback, but that they actually acted on it. And it reveals a great deal about a person's relationship with their own growth and development. This question is not intended to identify future managers or directors. It aims to identify people who are willing to grow at any level within an organization. Candidates who can answer it thoughtfully and specifically, without either dismissing the feedback they received or catastrophizing it, tend to be people who will continue to grow on the job. That matters enormously to me.

Candidates who struggle with the question, or who reframe every piece of feedback they ever received as a misunderstanding or someone else's problem, tell me something important too.

A Developmental Tool, Not a Verdict

When I use the word "leader" in this post, I am not referring exclusively to people with titles or positional authority. I mean, anyone who shows up, does their work, and interacts with other human beings in the process, which is to say, everyone. We all influence someone. We all model behaviors, whether we intend to or not. And we are all capable of either reinforcing or undermining a culture of openness, depending on how we respond to feedback.

The upshot is this: don't be defensive, and practice being open to listening. That is easier said than done. It can be genuinely difficult to hear critical things about yourself, especially when you care deeply about your work, as most people do. The discomfort is real, and it deserves acknowledgment.

But learning to receive feedback with openness and grace is one of the most valuable professional skills any of us can develop. When we treat feedback as a verdict on our worth, we become defensive. When we treat it as a developmental tool, we become better. The choice, ultimately, is ours to make.

What kind of colleague, teammate, and yes, leader, do you want to be?

Further Reading

Dweck, C. S. (2007). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Ballentine Books.

Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. Wiley.

Scott, K. (2019). Radical candor: Be a kick-ass boss without losing your humanity. St. Martin's Press.

Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well. Penguin Books. 

Zenger, J., & Folkman, J. (2009). The extraordinary leader: Turning good managers into great leaders. McGraw-Hill.

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